Tuesday, Mar. 21, 2006 1:41 p.m.

just enjoyed a very enjoyable urbanism lecture this morning, although i was so sleepy that i kept on shaking my head and pinching my face in order to keep myself awake. very nice Q&A. very nice leslie. and nice us who were born in 1985 (let us find out what actually happened in 1985!).

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i have wasted one whole year trying to get everything right but how sorry i am to find that i haven't got any better at all.

i'm such a shit. i'm no good at connecting myself to people, not to say connecting people. they say that they have seen me trying very very hard, stressing myself far too much. it's a pity that despite my effort, i ain't doing anything better. if i'm not enjoying it, how can i make others feel enjoyable?

i'm so sorry that people are falling apart. i feel that i am RESPONSIBLE for doing something, but i also FEEL that i want to breathe. i want to breathe. everytime i see these people i feel so suffocated. it's like bringing myself to be suffocated by my very own self.

i cannot tell right from wrong, good from bad. this is my big weakness. follow the heart, so they say. sometimes it's true, sometimes it seems not. so i never know what to do. i had a strong will to make myself good, but it turned out to be so hurtful to my heart. i don't understand why. what is good for me actually?

once i went to an interview. ���� said, 'your other paintings are so different from your school assignments. there's something about them. when you have paint for youself it's very different.'

after the interview i phoned my friend. i said the interview was ok la not really good. tears ran all over my face. i knew i flunnked it, but i was grateful for the lovely old artist who understood my pain, and the fact that i actually could meet the three great artists in real persons.

maybe it's true for other things. if working for recognization is your motive, it's gonna be too stressful and you'll lose your direction. 2 days ago i had an idea that i liked a lot. i felt so excited and happy already when i simply sat there and thought about it. it's this joy that brings me to today and that keeps me going, but not any kind of recognization or title given by others.

there are still many problems unsolved. i want to be good. but is being good = reversing my weaknesses eg making myself more outgoing/talkative/sociable? should i accept my defects as part of me and live naturally or try to change myself like what i did last yr? i don't really know.

i really want to be good. i want to enjoy life like i used to do. i would go out on a sunny early summer day, wandering around the city taking pictures, have a yummy �N�� in 7-11, and happily brings a belle & sebastian cd home from the cd store on Tak Shing Street.